Dying Matters Awareness Week

Every year, people around the UK use Dying Matters Awareness Week to get people from all walks of life talking about death. It doesn’t matter what religion or background you come from or what your views on death are. What is important is breaking down the stigma and taboo of talking about death.

This is a vast subject, but I am very passionate about one particular area: your wishes when you die. It is the only sure thing we know in life, but none of us knows when it will happen. Furthermore, many of our loved ones left behind often don’t know your wishes.

When Tom was given his prognosis, we all knew this wasn’t likely to end well, but we never discussed him dying, as this felt like we were giving up on him. Every night, I played out his funeral in those early weeks to the finest detail in my mind, but I had no idea what his wishes were. Months passed, and we lived on hope. Death seemed further away in our minds until those last few weeks when things took a turn for the worse. Still, we didn’t discuss the end. One of Tom’s friends ’ Dads in the hospital was a vicar and Tom had long chats with him. A couple of days before he died, he told Richard he had made his peace and was ready to go. This was the first time we ever came close to the word dying.

Suddenly, Richard and I realised we knew absolutely nothing about his wishes.

Did he want to be cremated or buried?

Did he have a favourite hymn or song?

Did he want a church service or just a crematorium?

He told us whatever we did would be fine as long as it was big! Let’s face it, how many 19-year-olds know what they want when they die?

After this traumatic experience, I started highlighting to friends and family how important it was to talk about everyone’s wishes. But my most important message was that it doesn’t have to be morbid. Get the family round the table for a meal and a glass or two, and have a conversation. Make notes on the back of an envelope; it doesn’t matter, and then put it all away, safe in the knowledge that you all know what everyone’s wishes are.

There are many differences in the ways cultures and faiths mark death and dying. But whatever they are, we all face the same emotions, no matter who we are or where we live. It is the same as grief. We all feel the loss of a loved one, the pain, anger, helplessness and sadness, but we show it in different ways.

Please remember Dying Matters.